i think im like katherine (i think that was her name) from 1984. u know, how she doesnt like sex and all? yah. but not so much that i dont like it (well i wouldnt know i havent done it) as im just scared of it right now. heck, im scared of just kissing someone. i guess cuz im afraid i'll screw up. and cuz im too embarrased about my body. but i dont wanna end up like the gurl in the book (that would suck) but the only way i can think of 2 get rid of your fears is 2 face em. but i cant really just go have sex w/ sumone. i cant even just kiss someone. cuz i want it 2 be special. (i know ill probly end up dissapointed, but, o well) besides, i dont know who i would/could do that with if i wanted to.
ok i tried 2 stop throwin up, but had 2 on xmas cuz it was so hard not 2. i dont think my stomach works anymore, when i eat food it doesnt digest it just sits there and makes me look even fatter. ugh. i wish i were anorexic cuz then i wouldnt have 2 throw up. but its kinda hard, esp cuz my parents would probly notice. and i dont have a whole lot of self control.
ive realized something thats kinda scary. id rather starve myself to death than be fat. if i could.