yah so that goal was total shit. im at least 116 lbs. and its.. jan 16. perhaps i need to be more aggressive. it worked before anyhow. so... no more lunches at school. no more soda. no more junk. lets hope this works a little.

i need to get motivated. goal: not weigh more than 100 lbs by the time i go to fl. lets start off easy... um, cg: 110 by dec 31.

fuck it, i'll do whatever the fuck i want.
or, at least i'll try.... = ( but i never get what i want (noteably boys)
i dont want to one day realize my life was one big disappointment

i hate everything. ugh. i cant do fucking anything and never will.

:-/ i'm a fatass

so the other day one of my guy friends said i lost weight, that was encouraging, but... i cant stop eating... but i feel sick afterwards... im probly gonna go throw up but its so hard not to be obvious. gah. so if i really did lose weight i probly gained it back. i wish i was like 80 lbs... thatd be amazing. i gotta lose like 30-40 lbs to do that tho... so thats my ultimate goal i guess. i wanna lose 10 lbs in like a month tho

so i got surgery on my shoulder thursday. now im screwed for 6 months. *sigh* even though it means practically no exercise, for a while i also couldnt eat, so that was nice... but its going away. damn. i figure if i cant be in shape i might as well be emaciated. ...i wish.
so i think two guys like me, there might be another one but i dont know. but i dont like them and that sux. jess has a bf now, im happy 4 her. she has a guy she likes, and she waits a while, but eventually she gets him. i dont even know who to like. i wanna just break out. just do whatever for the hell of it. but i know i wont.

i got really mad today and starting yelling, throwing things, kicking things, and i cut my wrist and my...thigh/hip area. it was more growling than yelling really.
why do i think i would be happier if i had a boyfriend?? all it could really bring is more problems.

i dont know if im trying to convince myself not to throw up or that i have to. or if i only wanna cut now that i got caught.
that and now its like "i have a crush on every boy", as some member of the teen girl squad so eloquently said...

hmm i think by blog is screwed up

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
well i dont think im bulimic anymore cuz i cant make myself throw up right now. i know i should, and im hating myself for it, but... my throat hurts and i really just dont feel like it? im gonna be a fatass and its all my fault.

i dont like cheerleading anymore.

im gonna be the worst girl on my XC team.

i hate school.

i hate boys.

i hate people not liking me.

my dad is such an asshole i dont see what his problem is but he needs to get a grip. or die. fucking asshole.
while im at it i might as well get all my anger out.
i hate everyone because they all hate me. i guess thats not their fault, but, whatever thats the way it is. if ur happy, chances are, i hate ur guts. why? because its not fair. im jealous of everyone. i hate everyone. i hate myself cuz im such a bitch. i hate myself cuz everyone else does. i hate everyone and everything. i dont see why i have to exist. I HATE EVERYTHING. get out of my life.
i wish someone would just hug me and make everything okay. but its not gonna happen. i wish i would fall in love and live happily ever after. but that doesnt happen in real life. sometimes i think im in hell.

yesterday the floor came rushing at me at least 4 or 5 times. kinda annoying. and these ppl that i dont really like came over. and i ate a lot. and forgot to throw up becuz i was watching the olympics. so i took a plastic bag into my closet w/ me and tried to throw up quietly into. but like the 5th time i missed. it was disgusting. so i panicked and didnt finsh and tried to clean up. so didnt even throw up very much and yah. it was a bad idea. but not that bad. i dunno as long as i dont miss i guess. and throw it out and wash anything that gets gross before anyone notices. im going to camp tomorrow, dunno what im gonna do... i want to lose weight so bad. i figure dont eat much and i cant binge cuz im at camp, and i wont hafta throw up...

im in a BAD MOOD. rawr. i feel like i might cry. or throw things. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-(

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i hate karma. this is probably earning me more bad points. i have a boyfriend, and i dont like him really much at all, but cant dump him online or on the phone cuz.. my friends say so. but i dont really see him, cuz, i dont want to. meanwhile, i like this other guy. and he doesnt like me at all. i figure its karma. also, i'm doomed to be fat. i woke up, had a cookie, then a king sized ice-cream drumstick thing, then a doughnut, and now my weight in reeses pieces. i dont feel like throwing up but i know i have to. i read this thing that said, "strive for excellence, not perfection." wtf? that doesnt make sense to me. why would u not strive for perfection? who wants to be, "pretty good" at something? i would rather be amazing. the best. perfect. shit i need to go throw up before this gets digested. brb. ok back. i just noticed the time is wrong on this thing. o well, dont feel like fixing it. i dont think i threw up everything, but then, thats why i'm a fatass. how can he like me when im so freakin ugly? he cant. and thats why he doesnt. he doesnt even work out (except for socccer) and i swear his body is perfect. and his face, lol that sounds weird. but, he's so hot. and hes not a jerk, except for not liking me but thats not really being a jerk thats just me being a bitch. i wish i could dump my boyfriend. i should try and not flirt with any guy other than greg so i wont have this problem anymore. why not say his name? no one reads this anyways... oh and btw i was wrong. i weigh like 114. EW.

da da da. i weigh so fucking much now... its disgusting. yesterday i only threw up once but i binged twice *shame*. day before that i purged 4 times. i had a burn-thing on the side of my mouth from it, it hurt a lot. i really need to eeat a lot less. and stop with all this binging so i can stop purging. current weight: almost 110 i think. just a couple days ago i was like 115. but i was trying to stop purging. so i didnt. and i got fat in a couple days. goal weight: 105 for now, ultimately 95 or lower. but its like XC, u wanna make it to the end so u tell urself to make it to that tree. and then that trash can. and so on. i hate my body. the guy i like (and have liked since... about the beginning of october last year) has such a freakin perfect body. i get weak just thinking about it, i remember gasping when i saw him shirtless. hes so hot. im so superficial. he'd never like me, hes so hot and im so... not. i cant do anything right lately. i cant even do a freakin roundoff right. and my jumps suck. school is gonna start way too soon. FUCK I HAFTA DO ALL MY DAMN SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS. i need to become a good christian somehow. but i think the puritans were right, and i'm predestined to be dammned. shit, a real christian wouldnt think like that. im doomed.

yep im back to mia. ugh. and now, cutting too.

ARGH

my thoughts when i'm bored:
"go eat something"
but im not hungry
"so?"
well i'll get extra calories i dont need
"who cares, ur gonna be fat no matter what, ur just torturing urself for no reason"
thats not tru
"yah it is. u can starve and u still wont be skinny, so y bother? u can't starve urself anyways"
well, i can try
"go ahead and try, but it's useless. just go eat something"
i dont want to!!!!!
"give up. you always do. u can throw it up anyways"
but it hurts :-(
and i'll get caught
"you suck, ur doomed to be fat, ur not strong enough to resist it, GIVE UP"
leave me alone...

i want to move to key west, and lie out in the sun and eat nothing and do nothing (except run and swim) until i die.

ouch. threw up until i couldnt see quite right. my eyes still wont feel normal. and my throat always feels so... weird. in a bad, kinda painful way. and i smell. i always do after i throw up. i brush my teeth and stuff, and wash my hands, but u still kinda smell like throwup. im gonna take a shower after i go excersise.
mia hates me. help me, ana!!

havent been on here in a while. guess its cuz i stopped throwin up 4 a while, and then i got a xanga to write stuff on cuz ppl give me advice. yah so ive been throwin up more than usual lately... ugh. i just wanna be ana, is that so much to ask?? mia sucks. well, i can eat, but, its not worth it. im just not tryin enough. im going to tho. really. i hope. i yah, and ive figured out that im a total bitch. surprise, surprise. y must i suck so much?

its really awkward liking sumone and them liking u back and both knowing this but not really knowing what 2 do about it

well, things started out good cuz i didnt eat till dinner, but i had a lot 4 dinner, and real greasy stuff, so then i went and threw up, but my dad came upstairs a heard me and was like, "r u ok?" and i was like, "yah..." and he was like, "it sounded like u were throwin up" and i was like, "well i've just been feelin kinda sick lately" (which is true, and in fact a lot of the gurls on my squad said they feel like they were gonna throw up durin practice 2day) and he was like, "ur not doin it on purpose, r u?" and i was like, "NO..." and he was like, "well i have suspicions" or something like that
and then i found out teddy mite like me, which made me really happy, but 4 sum reason something seems really weird... i dunno...
and dan sez he like jessi but not that he wants 2 go out w/ her...
and ian seems pretty bummed and has mentioned that none of his plans work (cuz of jessi)
and i had skool today.
so, u cant get much worse than that. but the ted thing was still good. and not eating (xcept a vitamin) till dinner. but everything else sux majorly.

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... i'm tired
i had junk food 2day but not a whole of it so its not as bad
had wendy's 4 lunch and 1/2 a big cookie and a big chocolate thing
and some orange juice 4 dinner
i ran an interval workout but not very hard cuz i was tired

according 2 weightwatchers.com i swing between healthy weight and underweight. thats encouraging-ish i guess. but then again, they probly just say that 2 make fat ppl feel better.
yup. and i think i'm gaining weight. or will. i dunno what to do. i need to pretty much just stop eating i think. hopefully it'll work, but knowing me, i'll eat anyways since i can throw up. but its not fun :( and u dont get rid of everything, so it's not as good as just not eating.

*sigh*
eating junk food @ this very moment, know i shouldnt be eatin it cuz im just gonna go barf it up anyways, but i just cant help it.
maybe i'll stop eating soon
...yah, right.
i wonder if i cant stop eating or just dont want to.

sigh~
need more self control.
i dont wanna run right now but i have to.

i think im like katherine (i think that was her name) from 1984. u know, how she doesnt like sex and all? yah. but not so much that i dont like it (well i wouldnt know i havent done it) as im just scared of it right now. heck, im scared of just kissing someone. i guess cuz im afraid i'll screw up. and cuz im too embarrased about my body. but i dont wanna end up like the gurl in the book (that would suck) but the only way i can think of 2 get rid of your fears is 2 face em. but i cant really just go have sex w/ sumone. i cant even just kiss someone. cuz i want it 2 be special. (i know ill probly end up dissapointed, but, o well) besides, i dont know who i would/could do that with if i wanted to.
ok i tried 2 stop throwin up, but had 2 on xmas cuz it was so hard not 2. i dont think my stomach works anymore, when i eat food it doesnt digest it just sits there and makes me look even fatter. ugh. i wish i were anorexic cuz then i wouldnt have 2 throw up. but its kinda hard, esp cuz my parents would probly notice. and i dont have a whole lot of self control.
ive realized something thats kinda scary. id rather starve myself to death than be fat. if i could.

its amazing how anyone can hate their own body so much.
and the sad thing is, i dont think i'll ever be skinny enough.
even if i get to like, 90 lbs, ill probly still wish i were skinnier.
well, dont have 2 worry bout that yet, im still heavy enough that i really do need 2 lose weight.
i think im pissin off my sister.

...sigh
i ate too much 2day (and every other day)
i need 2 lose weight.
only like 20 lbs.
but, like, now.

i have like, NO control over my body....
i seriously need to get some
and ive decided that its too stressfull to worry bout other ppls love lives

ugh. we lost our game today. im not used to losing, so this wasnt cool. oh and probly the first time i threw up @ skool. great. *sigh* 9 out of 13 days isnt good. 13 cuz i started keepin track 13 days ago. also tried keepin track of what i ate, but when ur like me, its not very easy. also keepin track of my weight, which my sister thinks is messed up ("weighin urself that many times a day isnt healthy")
*sigh*

u know, gurls are really dumb. and they're so bad at bein friends w/ guys. they screw everything up w/ crushes and things like that. and then have multiple crushes at a time. dude, you cant tell a million guys that you like them and then expect them all to ask you out.

yah, 4 sum reason felt like i needed another site
well everyone has xangas now so i feel a need to be different
plus they always get mad @ me 4 putting "sad" stuff in my xanga