my dad is such an asshole i dont see what his problem is but he needs to get a grip. or die. fucking asshole.
while im at it i might as well get all my anger out.
i hate everyone because they all hate me. i guess thats not their fault, but, whatever thats the way it is. if ur happy, chances are, i hate ur guts. why? because its not fair. im jealous of everyone. i hate everyone. i hate myself cuz im such a bitch. i hate myself cuz everyone else does. i hate everyone and everything. i dont see why i have to exist. I HATE EVERYTHING. get out of my life.
i wish someone would just hug me and make everything okay. but its not gonna happen. i wish i would fall in love and live happily ever after. but that doesnt happen in real life. sometimes i think im in hell.

yesterday the floor came rushing at me at least 4 or 5 times. kinda annoying. and these ppl that i dont really like came over. and i ate a lot. and forgot to throw up becuz i was watching the olympics. so i took a plastic bag into my closet w/ me and tried to throw up quietly into. but like the 5th time i missed. it was disgusting. so i panicked and didnt finsh and tried to clean up. so didnt even throw up very much and yah. it was a bad idea. but not that bad. i dunno as long as i dont miss i guess. and throw it out and wash anything that gets gross before anyone notices. im going to camp tomorrow, dunno what im gonna do... i want to lose weight so bad. i figure dont eat much and i cant binge cuz im at camp, and i wont hafta throw up...

im in a BAD MOOD. rawr. i feel like i might cry. or throw things. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :-(

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i hate karma. this is probably earning me more bad points. i have a boyfriend, and i dont like him really much at all, but cant dump him online or on the phone cuz.. my friends say so. but i dont really see him, cuz, i dont want to. meanwhile, i like this other guy. and he doesnt like me at all. i figure its karma. also, i'm doomed to be fat. i woke up, had a cookie, then a king sized ice-cream drumstick thing, then a doughnut, and now my weight in reeses pieces. i dont feel like throwing up but i know i have to. i read this thing that said, "strive for excellence, not perfection." wtf? that doesnt make sense to me. why would u not strive for perfection? who wants to be, "pretty good" at something? i would rather be amazing. the best. perfect. shit i need to go throw up before this gets digested. brb. ok back. i just noticed the time is wrong on this thing. o well, dont feel like fixing it. i dont think i threw up everything, but then, thats why i'm a fatass. how can he like me when im so freakin ugly? he cant. and thats why he doesnt. he doesnt even work out (except for socccer) and i swear his body is perfect. and his face, lol that sounds weird. but, he's so hot. and hes not a jerk, except for not liking me but thats not really being a jerk thats just me being a bitch. i wish i could dump my boyfriend. i should try and not flirt with any guy other than greg so i wont have this problem anymore. why not say his name? no one reads this anyways... oh and btw i was wrong. i weigh like 114. EW.

da da da. i weigh so fucking much now... its disgusting. yesterday i only threw up once but i binged twice *shame*. day before that i purged 4 times. i had a burn-thing on the side of my mouth from it, it hurt a lot. i really need to eeat a lot less. and stop with all this binging so i can stop purging. current weight: almost 110 i think. just a couple days ago i was like 115. but i was trying to stop purging. so i didnt. and i got fat in a couple days. goal weight: 105 for now, ultimately 95 or lower. but its like XC, u wanna make it to the end so u tell urself to make it to that tree. and then that trash can. and so on. i hate my body. the guy i like (and have liked since... about the beginning of october last year) has such a freakin perfect body. i get weak just thinking about it, i remember gasping when i saw him shirtless. hes so hot. im so superficial. he'd never like me, hes so hot and im so... not. i cant do anything right lately. i cant even do a freakin roundoff right. and my jumps suck. school is gonna start way too soon. FUCK I HAFTA DO ALL MY DAMN SUMMER ASSIGNMENTS. i need to become a good christian somehow. but i think the puritans were right, and i'm predestined to be dammned. shit, a real christian wouldnt think like that. im doomed.